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Transcript - Top Ten Trek Technobabbles (Cinemassacre)

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James: Star Trek – it's one of the biggest science-fiction franchises of all time. Since 1966 it's captured our imagination and promoted creative thinking about the unexplored regions of the universe: "To boldly go where no man has gone before". There's ten Star Trek movies, soon to be eleven. And there's five different television series – six if you count the animated one. It has a devoted fan-base like no other.

But it's more than just a cult-phenomenon – it's a science. And that is what we're gonna talk about. "Science-fiction" is exactly what it's called; It's science that's made to sound plausible and realistic, but really it's full of shit. The dialogue in Star Trek is often intended to go over your head and sound technically sophisticated.

Geordi: My visor is picking up subatomic fluctuations. Meson and Lepton activity is definitely increasing.

James: It allows us to suspend our disbelief and immerse ourselves into a futuristic environment. But let's check out some examples. So sit back, time to geek out. It's "Top Ten Trek Technobabbles".

Now most of these clips are from "The Next Generation", but let's start off with one from "The Original Series". Number 10...

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#10: That Which Survives

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Scotty: The emergency bypass control of the matter/antimatter integrator is fused.

James: Matter/antimatter? What is he talking about? Oh well, let's see what Data has to say. Number 9...

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#9: Timescape

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Data: It appears to be a highly focused aperture in the space-time continuum. Its energy signature matches that of the temporal fragments we observed earlier. However, it is approximately 1.2 million times as intense. I believe this may be the origin of the temporal fragmentation.

James: Okay... Did you catch all that? I think I got lost after the temporal fragmentation part. Er, actually I got lost over the whole thing. Number 8, from the movie "First Contact"...

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#8: First Contact

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Data: Tell me, are you using a polymer-based neuro-relay to transmit the organic nerve impulses to the central processor of my positronic net?

James: What?

Data: If that is the case, how have you solved the problem of increased signal degradation inherent to organo-synthetic transfer--

James: Yeah, alright. Let's move on. It's time to talk "warp". Number 7...

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#7: Interface

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Geordi: It uses trionic initiators in the warp coil.

James: Of course, the "warp coil".

Geordi: They have a reputation for strange side effects, especially when you start playing around with them.

James: Uh-huh.

Data: There have been reports of warp bubbles--

James: (speaking over Data) --bubble my ass!

Data: --and other subspace deformations.

James: Yeah, you gotta watch those subspace deformations.

Geordi: So, what if that's what happened? Not a warp bubble--

James: (speaking over Geordi) --but a warp magnetic--

Geordi: --but a subspace...

James: --transistor?

Geordi: ... funnel.

James: ... Oh.

Riker: Connecting two points through subspace?

James: Yeah, just a good old conversation about trionic initiators and warp funnels. Nothing unusual. Number 6, a lesson about anti-time...

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#6: All Good Things

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Data: Let us also assume he has initiated an tachyon pulse at the same coordinates in all three time periods. In that case, it is possible that the convergence of three tachyon pulses could've ruptured the subspace barrier and created an anti-time reaction.

Geordi: I see where you're going, Data. And because anti-time operates opposite the way normal time does, the effects would travel backwards through the space-time continuum.

James: Man, anti-time?! That's one thing that never came up in "Back to the Future". I'd like to see Doc Brown and Data have a conversation... Actually I think my head would explode. If the two of them ever even stepped into the same room it would cause an impenetrable paradox in the space-time continuum. Wait, what am talking about? Number 5...

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#5: Brothers

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Data: (in Captain Picard's voice) Computer, establish a security code for access to all functions previously transferred to Bridge.

Enterprise Computer: Enter code.

Data: (in Picard's voice): One, seven, three, four, six, seven, three, two, one, four, seven, six, Charlie, three, two, seven, eight, nine, seven--

[During the rest of this line, James mocks Data by saying random numbers, punctuated by words.]

Data: (in Picard's voice): --seven, six, four, three, Tango, seven, three, two, Victor, seven, three, one, one, seven, eight, eight, eight, seven, three, two, four, seven, six, seven, eight, nine, seven, six, four, three, seven, six. Lock.

[James yells in frustration.]

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#4: Parallels

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Data: I believe the quantum fissure we discovered is a fixed point across the space time continuum.

James: Oh, here we go...

Data: A keyhole which intersects many other quantum realities.

James: What?

Troi: What do you mean, quantum realities?

James: Yeah, what do you mean?

Data: When Worf's shuttlecraft came into contact with the quantum fissure--

James: --that'll help.

Data: --I believe its warp engines caused a small break in the barriers between quantum realities.

James (speaking over Data): Uh, I still don't get it.

Data: Worf was thrown into a state of quantum flux. The visor uses a subspace field pulse. I believe that whenever Geordi came near Worf, the field pulse intensified the quantum flux.

James: Quantum fissure, quantum realities, quantum flux?! How about quantum fuckfarts! Number 3...

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#3: Rascals

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Riker: Cross-linked with a redundant melacortz ramistat; fourteen kiloquad interface modules. The core element is based on a FTL nanoprocessor with twenty five bilateral kelilactirals, with twenty of those being slaved into the primary heisenfram terminal.

James: 'The hell?! Number 2...

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#2: Transfigurations

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Data: Computer, run transformational matrix calculations. Match navigational reference to known stars in this sector.

James: Oh, this is gonna be good.

Data: Computer, assume those paths are course corrections and derive gravitational values for stellar objects near those flight paths.

Geordi: This might be a rotational time reference.

James (speaking over Data): Oh, that's what that is, thanks for clearing that up.

Data: Computer, assume these symbols are pulsars. Translate associated values into standard temporal notations. Computer, is there a pulsar with a rotational period of 1.5244 seconds within the sensor...

James: Okay, enough already! Now that one or more of your computing neural memory capacitors has been overcharged with involuntary sensory overload, it's time to activate your neural biological subsystem in neural coral to mental state to direct your sensory organs to stimulus source and obligatory preparation...

[James take a BIG breath.]

James: ...for the number 1 top Trek technobabble.

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#1: The Nth Degree

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Barclay: Well... it just occurred to me that I could set up a frequency harmonic between the deflector and the shield grid using the warp field generator as a power flow anti-attenuator and that, of course, naturally, created an amplification of the inherent energy output.

Riker: Uh huh...

James: That's how I feel about it.

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