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Transcript - Top 10 Shitty Shatner Movies (Cinemassacre)

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James: Pretty much everyone who lives on planet Earth knows who William Shatner is. Even though he's done some good stuff outside of "Star Trek", he'll always be most recognized as Captain Kirk – it's just the way it goes. When an actor does something so iconic they often get typecast and have a hard time landing good roles afterwards.

[Shatner looks like he's about to puke.]

James: But no matter what he's in we always love the "Shat". Even if it's a real bad movie, we can't look away just because he's in it. So let's get started; it's Cinemassacre's "Top 10 Shitty Shatner Movies".

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#10 - Kingdom of the Spiders (1977)

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James: Shatner plays an alcoholic, womanizing veterinarian who tries to save the town from a venomous onslaught of spiders. It falls into a sub-genre in '70's horror films where nature attacks. Such as "The Birds", "Killer Bees", "Night of the Lepus", "Frogs" and "Jaws". "Kingdom of the Spiders" took most of its music from "The Twilight Zone". It's also notable that it used real spiders – today it would be all CG. A lot of spiders died during the filming which caused a lot of concern for animal rights. That's another reason why it would be hard to make a film like this today.

Farmer: BURN, YOU SONSOFABITCHES!! BURN IN HELL!! BURN!! 

James: Characters in this movie act like morons. A woman is shooting spiders, one of them crawls on her hand and she actually SHOOTS HER OWN HAND!? Then Shatner opens a grate on the ceiling and lets the spiders in! It's a typical genre film and worth checking out just to see Shatner covered in spiders. Definitely not the worst; that's why it's only number 10. 

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#9 - The Horror at 37,000 Feet (1973 - TV)

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James: Shatner plays an alcoholic ex-priest who must save a plane from being frozen by ancient druid stones. I would NOT wanna fly with Shatner. At 20,000 feet the plane gets attacked by gremlins and at 37,000 feet you get frozen by ancient druid artifacts. Of course I was just referring to the famous "Twilight Zone" episode "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet". With such a similar title, and the same actor, it leaves you wondering if this is a remake of that episode or a spinoff of some sort. But really, it has nothing to do with it. So what do you do at a flight like this? Drink up. 

Captain Ernie Slade: And tell her to break out more drinks for the passengers; all they want. 

Alan O'Neill: Boy, I need a drink. 

Glenn Farlee: You lousy drunk! 

Alan O'Neill: You're just drunk. 

James: Then there's this funny line. 

Glenn Farlee: How do you know all this sshh-stuff anyway? 

James: "All this sshh-tuff"?!

Glenn Farlee: How do you know all this sshh-stuff anyway? 

James: Guess you almost forgot this was a TV movie. So then, Shatner finds out that the only way to kill the ice spirits is with fire. Well, shit – we never thought of that. Then the sun rises, stops the spirits and Shatner goes flying out the window in one of the most amusing falling shots in film history. 

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#8 - Shoot or be Shot (2002)

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James: Shatner plays a mental patient who's obsessed with making movies. He claims to be a writer in the motion picture business, but the only things he wrote were instruction manuals to VCRs and Laserdisc players. Apparently he's very upset that no one reads them. 

Shatner: All because no one reads the manuals! 

James: He meets up with a film crew and holds them hostage, forcing them to make his own movie. It's true; whenever Shatner is in a movie he takes command. 

Shatner: I said pick it up! 

James: Why else would we be watching it? 

Shatner: Now crawl over there and pick it up. 

James: By the way, you can see the boom mic sometimes. For a movie that's about making movies the only time you should see the boom mic is in the movie that's being made or perhaps the movie itself is the making-of the making-of the movie. Oh, never mind. The biggest problem is that Shatner isn't in it enough. 

Shatner: Shit! 

James: Half the film focuses on the crew making their own movie before Shatner takes over. But there are some great quotes from the other actors. 

Jack Yeager: I've been in this business since your shit looked like mustard. 

James: Toward the end Shatner has a lot of screen time and shows off plenty of his space brain facial expressions and that's the good stuff. 

Shatner: [gasps] ... Shit, man! 

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#7 - Airplane 2 - The Sequel (1982)

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James: The original "Airplane!" was one of the first farfetched spoofs and still one of the funniest. It had disco dancing, fighting and shit hitting the fan. There were jokes hidden in the background and just one great gag after another. Then they made a sequel and shat all over it. Seems natural for him to always be sitting in a room full of blinking, beeping lights.

Shatner: I mean, down here, there are literally hundreds and thousands of blinking, beeping and flashing lights. Blinking and beeping and flashing... They're flashing and they're bleeping! I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE!!

James: Oh wow! Come to think of it; yeah, that would drive anybody nuts! That's the funniest part of the whole movie. Shatner's role is small, there's no Leslie Nielsen this time but lots of the other cast members return. It has its fair share of jokes and even though it's not as fresh as the original, it's still entertaining.

Want some useless knowledge? The Sarge is played by Chuck Connors. He also happened to play the captain in "The Horror at 37,000 Feet", also with Shatner. The doctor in that movie was played by Paul Winfield. He played Captain Clark Terrell in "Star Trek 2 - The Wrath of Khan", with, of course, Shatner again. And France Nuyen who was in the episode "Elaan of Troyius" from "Star Trek, the original series, was ALSO in "The Horror at 37,000 Feet"!

Spock: Fascinating.

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#6 - Land of No Return (1978)

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James: Basically, it's a survival film about a TV show animal trainer who crashes the plane in the mountains. Occasionally we see insert scenes of the producer talking about the situation, who's played by Shatner. He's barely even in the movie. When he is, what's he doing? Drinking. He's not even essential to the plot. It's like they filmed all his scenes in a dark corner, gave him some booze and cigarettes and let him go off on a tangent. One thing I have to mention is that the dog's name is Romulus. Yeah, really.

Trainer: ROMULUS!!

James: The scenery is nice, I can say that much. I do recommend it if you like nature films. I mean the majority is just footage of animals walking around in the snow. It's like they made a wildlife documentary first and added the plot later. A little light on the "Shat", but deserves a spot on the list. 

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#5 - The Devil's Rain (1975)

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James: Wow, just wow! William Shatner and a satanic cult – how could you go wrong? The opening credits sequence shows images from the famous painting "The Garden of Earthly Delights". I never noticed it has an ass shitting gold coins. Wanna impress your art teacher? Just say: "Notice the ass shitting gold coins".

The plot is about a devil worshipper who's trying to find a book that lists the names of those who sold their soul to the Devil. He spends a lot of time performing demonic rituals over Shatner. At one point, he turns his eyes black, which bears an uncanny resemblance to Michael Myers.

It's always been said the Michael Myers mask used in "Halloween" was actually a Captain Kirk mask painted white. But it sure looks a hell of a lot like "The Devil's Rain" and "The Devil's Rain" came out the same year as the Captain Kirk mask. It's even more stunning to see that in "The Devil's Rain" he actually does the famous Michael Myers head tilt. Coincidence or not, it's pretty freaky.

Another piece of trivia is that it's John Travolta's feature film debut, even though he's not very recognizable. Man, I tell you everybody gets their start in horror films. The best part is the ending. For lack of better words: all hell breaks loose. That's really the best way to describe it. Deadly rain comes down, stuff catches fire, faces melt, the Satanic priest turns into a goat, the church explodes and after that it somehow explodes again!? All around complete madness. 

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#4 - White Comanche (1968)

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James: It's the old-fashioned cowboys and indians routine but it's classic "Shat" all the way. Shatner drinking, check! Shatner in bed with random women, check! Shatner assaulting women, check! Shatner fighting with awkward choreography, check! Shatner dodging bullets, check! Shatner playing two roles, check! He plays a cowboy and a stereotypical indian. It's just bad.

[Shatner does a stereotypical indian battle cry.]

James: He sure played dual roles a lot. It's like in the "Star Trek" episodes where he's always splitting into two. So if you want a trashy western with some shoot-'em-up action, poor acting and twice the "Shat" this is the movie for you. 

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#3 - Big Bad Mama (1974)

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James: It's a prime piece of exploitation cinema, produced by Roger Corman, the master of B-movies. He made over 400 films and covered just about every genre in existence, including this "Bonnie and Clyde" knockoff about a mother who takes her daughters around the country committing crimes acts of robbery, selling bootleg whisky and kidnapping.

Shatner shows up about halfway into the film. He plays a dishonest gambler. As usual, he's always drinking and screwing. He gets into a love triangle over Mama with another robber and in this scene they have an argument. This is the best part of the movie. 

Shatner: God-dam-IT!! 

James: That's all you need to see; the Shatner highlight. The rest is a bulletfest with lots of nudity and gunfire. Typical drive-in trash. 

Shatner: You illiterate, uneducated bastard! Come on! 

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#2 - Impulse (1974)

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James: In this sleazy thriller Shatner plays a madman with a desire to kill. He's already quite nutty to begin with, but now you can get to see him go full psychopath and show his true colors. There's a scene where he's at a park on a date and he has all these weird outbursts. First he gets mad when someone gets balloons in his face. 

Shatner: What are you doing? Hey, watch it! People like you are ought to be ground up and made into dog food.

James: Next he's freaking out over a hotdog. 

Ruth: No, you certainly can't. 

Shatner: Here, hold my hotdog...

Ruth: Nah, you hold on to it. 

Shatner: No, you hold my hotdog! Look, if I hold it... What're you--?!

James: You never know what he's gonna do next. The good thing about this movie is that it utilizes him to his full potential as a quirky and unpredictable character. 

Shatner: ... cheeks I ever saw! The cheeks! 

James: There's a ridiculous fight between him and a character called Karate Pete, who's played by Harold Sakata, better known as Oddjob in Goldfinger. I tell you, Shatner gives James Bond a run for his money. He shows you how to take this guy out. He hangs him by a rope, beats him senseless, kicks him repeatedly in the face, gets in the car and chases him through a car wash, then runs him over again and again. There's a young girl who witnesses the murder. He chases after her and threatens to kill her. 

Shatner: Come back here! 

James: In spite of all that, the next day he offers her a ride to school like nothing happened. 

Shatner: Hey. Want a ride? Hey, little girl, I'lln take you to school. 

James: What a creep. 

Girl: I'm not crazy. You are. 

James: Shatner doesn't even need to make a comeback – he just points... Awesome. And for the number 1 shitty Shatner movie...

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#1 - Incubus (1965)

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James: As a curiosity piece it probably ranks the highest as a fascinating, must-see for hardcore Shatner-fans and lovers of obscure horror films. It's the oldest movie on the list and came before "Star Trek". It was the perfect film to give Shatner his shitty start. 

Leonard Nimoy: Seriously, was the movie interesting? Was it a good movie? 

Shatner: ... No! 

James: It makes the number 1 spot just because of its marketing blunder. To reach a wider audience they decided to film it in the language of Esperanto. The reasoning behind it was that people speak Esperanto all over the world. But the problem was that not enough people speak it in any concentrated area. William Shatner didn't even know the language, he had to learn his dialogue phonetically. 

Shatner: Miaj manoj! Rigardu ilin!

James: He said on the DVD commentary track that Gene Roddenberry was a fan of Esperanto and wanted to film "Star Trek" that way. Could you imagine? 

Shatner (as Captain Kirk with Marc's voiceover from "Incubus"): Miaj manoj! Rigardu ilin!

James: Shatner plays a soldier named Marc who returns from the war and becomes the target of a succubus – a female demon who seduces men. When they genuinely fall in love the sister demon gets angry and resurrects an incubus – a male demon who goes after Marc's sister. So Marc has to fight against the evil forces. This is the only movie I can think of with a guy sucking an egg while holding a frog for no apparent reason.

It's a little on the avant-garde side and at times it doesn't make sense. But the cinematography by Conrad Hall is creepy and fantastic to look at. How do you end an eerie movie about demons and resurrection? With a cheesy goat-on-woman deathmatch! It's such an awkward scene. There's hardly any soundtrack except for the weird noises the goat makes. Then there's the choppy going-back-and-forth of tne fake goat-head to the real goat's eyes and tongue. And it goes on for minutes until it actually starts to get disturbing. 

This film was lost for 35 years until one copy turned up in France. In addition to that, there was a lot of bad luck associated with "Incubus" and it gained the reputation as one of those films with a curse. One of the actors killed his girlfriend and committed suicide. One of the actresses also committed suicide a few weeks after the film was out. The daughter of another actress was kidnapped and murdered. Director Leslie Stevens' production company went bankrupt and his marriage ended in divorce. And William Shatner ended up being in A LOT of shitty films!

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