James Rolfe: It's Cinemassacre's "Monster Madness"! "Cemetery Man" is the most offbeat, random and confusing horror film I can think of. But when you look at all the monotonous and uninspired horror crap being shat out by Hollywood, "Cemetery Man" is one of the most unique that the 90's has to offer. It's Italian and the original title was "Dellamorte Dellamore" which means "Of Love and Death". But if this is a love story, it's the most hyper-accelerated love story I've ever heard of.
Francesco is the caretaker of a cemetery. He sees a woman weeping over the grave of her newly dead husband – instantly he falls in love with her. I guess I can't blame him; working at a cemetery all night must get lonely. He has no one to talk to but his bumbling assistant Gnaghi. Not to mention this woman is ridiculously beautiful. So Francesco pursues her and all he has to do to get her interested is say that the cemetery has a nice crypt.
She: It's like in my dreams…
Francesco Dellamorte: This is my dream.
She: *gasps*… I couldn't ask for anything more.
James: I mean right away she's turned on by it. I guess she's just a sick bitch who has a death fetish. Next thing they're having sex on top of husband's grave and all that happens in the first 20 minutes. Also there's zombies… It just so happens that the dead rise from their graves on the 7th day and this is a regular occurrence. So Francesco spends most of his spare time shooting them. So if he's already used to this it shouldn't have come as such a surprise that the husband comes up too. The woman is killed, I don't believe we ever find out her name. So she comes back and he shoots her in the head and that's just the beginning.
There's also a subplot with Gnaghi. He falls in love with this other girl who happens to be the mayor's daughter – not to mention, pukes on her. Somewhere down the line she gets killed, comes back as a severed head, kills her dad and befriends Gnaghi.
Valentina Scanarotti: You threw up on me… How sweet.
James: Then comes the fucking Grim Reaper!? It's one of the most jaw-droopingly awesome depiction of the Reaper I've ever seen. But he's only there for a few seconds and here's what he has to say.
Grim Reaper: If you don't want the dead coming back to life, why don't you just kill the living? Shoot them in the head…
James: What the hell kind of logic is that? Next thing Francesco is going around shooting people and checking their names off the phonebook. What the fuck is going on with this movie?!
Then he starts meeting other girls who look identical to the first one. It's kinda like Alfred Hitchcock's "Vertigo" where the main character is haunted by his lost love. But in "Vertigo" he has a fear of heights. In "Cemetery Man" it's the woman who has a fear of something. You wanna know what it is? Take a guess; what is it that she fears? You give up?… It's penises. Yeah, she has 'penisphobia'. I definitely never heard that one before. So he goes to the doctor to get his penis cut off-- Now look… This is becoming even more difficult to explain, but all throughout the movie he's been called 'impotent'. So I don't even know which is supposed to be true, but all I can say; never before have I watched a movie and wondered so much about a man's penis.
Nothing makes any sense at all, but it's fucking funny and that's the whole appeal. It's not as serious as "Night of the Living Dead", not as funny as "Return of the Living Dead" and not as gory as "Braindead". But if you're looking for a zombie movie that's a little different, this is it.
Hospital Sister: Smoking is not allowed in here!
Francesco: Shut up! (He shoots her right in the eye)