Berenstain Bears - Angry Video Game Nerd Episode 142
(The intro plays, with horror sounds and a montage of the past Nerd Halloween specials.)
(The Nerd is showing various "Berenstein Bears" books.)
The Nerd: As a kid, one of my favorite series of children's books was The Berenstein Bears. It's been passed on as a tradition to every generation. It began publishing in the 60's and continues to the present day. It was about a family of bears living like an ordinary human family with common problems to overcome, like sibling quarrels and the pressure of an overly busy schedule. Often it focuses on some kind of moral lesson, like don't pollute, don't eat too much junk food and don't watch too much TV. Other times it's just about a part of growing up, like going to school, going to the doctor, or gettin' fuckin' murdered by an evil bear with a chainsaw?! Holy shit, this is the craziest book cover they ever did. They had their share of spooky stories, and it would be fun to read them, but I'm here to talk about the video games.
(Camera cuts from the books to the Nerd sitting on his sofa.)
The Nerd: Most people probably don't know there existed games based on The Berenstein Bears, and I gotta admit, neither did I. So my expectations are very low. They can't disappoint too much...
(The camera zooms in on his face, dramatic music cue plays)
The Nerd: Right?
The Berenstain Bears in Extreme Sports (GBC)[]
(Camera cuts to the Nerd holding the cartridge for "Extreme Sports")
The Nerd: First, let's check out Extreme Sports on Game Boy Color. It's one of the clear cartridges, indicating that it's exclusive for the Game Boy Color, meaning it's not backwards-compatible with the original Game Boy, or the Super Game Boy Super Nintendo adapter. Well, it better be good then. The title screen looks like ass. The text is so sloppy, I can hardly read it. (Notices it says "The Berenstain Bears" on the title screen) I think they made a typo. (Camera cuts to gameplay of "Extreme Sports") So the concept is simple. Basically, it's a bunch of sporting events, like here's Brother Bear in a canoe, but it looks more like the Bullshit Man with a giant dirty Q-Tip. (Shows a drawing of the Bullshit Man with a giant dirty Q-Tip) Dirty because... well, you can imagine.
The Nerd: There's also sledding, bike riding and skateboarding. You race against the clock and try to pull off tricks without fallin' on your ass. The courses all play the same way, basically, and they go by quick. You could experience the whole game in less than 10 minutes. It's even more basic than Skate or Die. In fact, it makes Skate or Die look like one of the Tony Hawk games! This would've been alright if it was released on the NES in 1986, but it was released in 2000! Late 2000!
The Nerd: The graphics? (groans) Those bright, solid colors, they burn into your eyes! The sledding stage is so white, I bet if you stare at it long enough and then look away, you'll still see the game. There's no in-game music and the sound effects are on par with Atari. 23 years of innovation gives us this. (In the bike riding stage, the sound from riding on a wooden bridge is so bad, even the Nerd makes that sound)
The Nerd: (Scoffs) Yeah, ya hear that? That's the distinct sound of bike tires grinding over a wooden bridge. Let's get the whole family involved. That's right, the whole Bear family get in the line and hump each other as they spiral out of control down the slope. Well, after all, it is "Extreme Sports". This has gotta be crazy, right?
The Nerd: (Exclaims) Whooaa! It's a bunch of bears spinnin' around on a raft! They're fallin' off the raft! It's pretty "extreme" here! No, if this qualified as "Extreme Sports", I wanna see the bears in a spaceship, shooting an atom bomb through a basketball net! (Cuts to a scene where the Bear family are riding on a spaceship, shooting an atom bomb through a basketball net on the moon, making an explosion) I wanna see them riding through a lava river with ROBOT COBRAS AND NUCLEAR SHARKS, PASSIN' FOOTBALLS TO ELECTRIC TORNADOES!
(Cuts back to the game, only this time by adding a lava river with robot cobras, nuclear sharks, a football, and an electric tornado)
The Nerd: THAT'S "Extreme Sports"! Yeah, this game's "Extreme" alright. "Extremely Shitty"!
The Berenstain Bears on Kid Vid (Atari 2600)[]
(Cuts to the part where the Nerd picks the next game: "Berenstain Bears Kid Vid Talking Video Game Cartridge")
The Nerd: Speaking of "primitive", let's go backwards in time. You know they made a Berenstein Bears game on Atari 2600? It's pretty interesting becau- (The Nerd notices the spelling "Berenstain" instead of "Berenstein") Whoa, wait a minute, "BerenSTAIN"? ...They totally fucked up the spelling.
(Cuts to an Atari 2600 accessory: "Sound 1 Voice Module")
The Nerd: Anyway, what makes this game interesting is that it was made specifically for the "Sound 1" or "Kid Vid" Voice Module, an audio cassette player that connects to the Atari.
(Cuts to the Nerd showing the Sound 1 Voice Module)
The Nerd: This is back when video game companies were aware of the "sound" capabilities of games; they made all these weird "add-ons" to give the games the capability of audible speech. Kinda reminds me of that other one. You know. The "Intellivision Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module", which included only five compatible games. (He shows the viewers the "Intellivoice" module) Only five! Including... (Shows the title of one of the Intellivision games, "B-17 Bomber" next to the Nerd, as he mocks the voice again) B-17 BOMBER!
The Nerd: But you wanna know how many the Kid Vid had? (Answers the viewers silently while showing them that the Kid Vid had only two games, and then he facepalms in disappointment)
(Cuts to the only two games for the Kid Vid Voice Module: "The Smurfs" and "The Berenstain Bears")
The Nerd: Two. There were only TWO fucking games made for this piece of shit: The Smurfs, and Berenstein Bears. It was made by Coleco in 1983. It worked in a completely different way than the Intellivoice. The obvious difference is that it used cassettes. (Cuts to the "Smurfs" shape game) It was a crafty way of getting high-quality audio with voice and song to accompany your game, but it was more than just an audio player. It connected to the second controller port, acting somewhat like a controller. The cassette tape contained signals which interacted with the game.
(Cuts to the "Smurfs" music notes game with the voices of Smurfette and Brainy Smurf singing)
Smurfette: The notes keep falling on the ground!
Brainy Smurf: The glue that holds them can't be found!
Smurfette and Brainy Smurf: So c'mon kids, and stick around!
(Cuts to the Nerd holding the "Smurfs Save the Day" cartridge)
The Nerd: Each cartridge contained three different games. Each game had its own cassette. You'd choose whichever cassette you wanna play, and that triggers the corresponding game. (The Nerd inserts one of the "Smurfs" cassettes in the Kid Vid Voice Module and cuts back to the "Smurfs" music notes game) From that point on, the audio instructs you on what to do. (Cuts to the Nerd happily hearing and dancing through the song)
Male Singer: When the colors don't match, don't ever fear! Push the red button, they'll disappear!
Smurfs: Yeah!
(Cuts to a "Smurfs" smoothies game)
The Nerd: After you complete the task, like makin' the Smurf piss in the cup, the game sends a signal back to the cassette player to advance the tape.
(Cuts to the Nerd happily hearing a song about completing a task and giving thumbs up)
Male and Female Singers: Way to go, congratulations! May this be one of many standing ovations!
(Cuts back to the "Smurfs" game)
The Nerd: To be honest, it actually works! Meaning it does what it's supposed to do. I wonder if anything would happen if you put a fuckin' Slayer tape in there. (The scene shows a "Slayer" cassette, and then it shows a scary face with a horrifying scream)
(Cuts to the "Berenstain Bears" game on Atari 2600)
The Nerd: Now, getting back to Berenstein Bears. The gameplay is as simple as you can get. No matter which of the three cassettes you use, it's basically the same thing. You're tryin' to catch the correct numbers or letters out of a tree. (Cuts to the three cassettes of the "Berenstain Bears" game) There's the "Big Number Hunt", the "Great Letter Roundup" and the "Spooky Spelling Bee", and after all, it is Halloween.
(Cuts to the "Spooky Spelling Bee" game with an eerie narrator, as the Nerd looks surprised about the way this game goes)
Narrator: The Bear went out on a spooky night... He prayed for the moon to give him light!
The Nerd: It sure looks like a "spooky night", doesn't it? The grass is green, the trees are lively; it's the same graphics as the other two games! (Cuts to the three games that look the same to each other) How is this supposed to be "spooky"?! Not even the words are spooky, like "Mom", "Dad", "Ball", "Dog"; half of 'em are numbers!
(Cuts back to the game)
Voice 1: NINE. Spell "NINE".
The Nerd: The closest it comes to spooky is maybe "cat".
Voice 2: The first word is "CAT".
The Nerd: (mocks the voice while the actual cat sound is heard) Meow.
Voice 2: Spell "CAT".
The Nerd: But you gotta love the quasi-"Boris Karloff" impressions.
(Shows a picture of Boris Karloff)
Voice 2: Is its sound, as it pussy foots around...
The Nerd: "Bela Lugosi"...
(Shows a picture of Bela Lugosi)
Voice 1: The next word to spell is number "FOUR"!
The Nerd: ...and "Peter Lorre".
(Cuts to the Nerd hearing the "Ball" song while showing a picture of Peter Lorre, as he sort of dances and hits himself with a rubber ball)
Voice 3: You can hit it! Bounce it! Bunt it, punch it, kick it around. "BALL". Spell "BALL".
The Nerd: Speakin' of "balls", this game sucks.
The Berenstain Bears' Camping Adventure (Sega Genesis)[]
(Cuts to the Nerd holding the next game: "The Berenstain Bears' Camping Adventure" for the Sega Genesis)
The Nerd: Well, here's another one, on Sega Genesis: The Berenst- (Notices the word "Berenstain" again) H-Hang on, hang the fuck on! That can't be the correct spelling, I know for a fact it was "BerenSTEIN" with an "E", not an "A". Actually, the most likely pronunciation would be Beren-"STEIN" since it was spelled the same way like "Frankenstein". But everybody I ever met says "Berenstein".
The Nerd: (gets up from the couch and it cuts to the part where he shows the viewers the "Berenstain Bears" books) I can prove the spelling, because I have one of the books. Yeah! So as you can clearly see, it's spelled "Beren...STAIN Bears"... (The Nerd notices the word "Berenstain" yet again, only this time he looks surprised about it) Must be a new edition. Why'd they change the spelling? I know it used to be "Berenstein", because the authors' real names were "Stan & Jan... Berenstain"... (The Nerd is surprised again about the authors' last names "Berenstain" and realized how wrong he was) I guess I was wrong. My whole childhood was wrong. Anyway, (cuts back to the cover of the Sega Genesis Berenstain Bears game) The Beren-STAIN Bears' Camping Adventure; here we go.
(The Nerd inserts the game and the game starts with the intro)
The Nerd: The plot of the game is simple: The Bears go on a camping trip, and the kids feel like wandering around on their own. Papa Bear is fine with it, pretty much. I mean, what's he gonna say, "Watch for bears"?
(Cuts to the gameplay)
The Nerd: Then you get a choice of stage. They're all your typical side-scrolling action. All of them involve hopping across platforms, stomping on animals to make them disappear, bouncing on organic trampolines, and navigating past little tricky dead ends. You can get some weapons like rocks, but, man do the rocks blow. How are you supposed to hit anything when it goes in an arc?! It's just like the rocks in Friday the 13th. (Cuts to the Friday the 13th game from the first AVGN Halloween special) Wow, I pointed that out ten years ago, and now still I'm making the same exact complaints. (Cuts back to the "Berenstain Bears" game) But I'll try to find some new interesting observations for ya! Um... nope... nope... nope.
The Nerd: You know what the problem is? This game is actually pretty good. But fuck it. Can't make these jumps! (The Nerd tries to make Brother Bear jump to an unreachable platform, but he keeps falling down as the Nerd grunts twice) Hungh! Mrrgh! When Brother Bear squats, he looks like he's forcin' out a... (cuts to an edited close up of Brother Bear taking a heavy shit while the Nerd makes fart sound effects) PRRFFFFBBTTT!
The Nerd: Yeah, I've done that one too, haven't I? It's just a shitty habit.
(Cuts to Sister Bear in a Haunted Forest stage)
The Nerd: There's a Haunted Forest stage, which is a million times more thematic than the "Spooky Spelling Bee", but the creepiest thing in the game, isn't even on this stage! It's from The Cave. (Cuts back to Brother Bear in The Cave stage, with strange enemies popping out from the ground) What are these ghost things?! They freak me out! Looks like Godzilla's son. (Shows an image of Godzilla's son)
The Nerd: (Cuts back to Sister Bear) What's happening? I'm tryin' to pause the game, and instead it's making Sister Bear strike these weird poses! The pause button worked before, but now it's... What? (The Nerd is shocked and surprised to see that the game is glitched) Whoa! (The game keeps glitching) Holy shit! I think it's a glitch; do ya think it's a glitch? I think it's a glitch. (The game continues to glitch) This is the mother of all glitches. (As the game keeps on glitching, the TV shows the Nerd from 2006 with Jason Voorhees, from the "Friday the 13th" episode, standing behind him)
2006 Nerd: Is that you, Nerd?
The Nerd: I'm-I'm me, I'm you, what's goin' on?!
2006 Nerd: It's just a glitch.
The Nerd: Oh, okay, it's just a glitch. That explains it.
2006 Nerd: Oh, you must not be as familiar with this as I am. See, I'm from a different timeline, and where I'm from, I've seen this happen before. When a game glitches this bad, it causes a glitch in the matrix.
The Nerd: The matrix?
2006 Nerd: When reality is disrupted like this, two separate timelines converge. I'm from a different reality and, by the looks of it, a different point in time also. It's October 2006.
The Nerd: Ten years ago? So you're from the past.
2006 Nerd: Yeah, but not the same past. An alternate past. Right now, I'm playin' Friday the 13th.
The Nerd: Yeah, my first Halloween episode.
2006 Nerd: But it's different. In this timeline, Jason killed me.
(Cuts to the "Friday the 13th" episode where Jason Voorhees has the Nerd pinned)
2006 Nerd: Don't kill me! (Jason shows the Nerd the game cartridge, apparently wanting him to play again, as if saying: "I won't kill you if you play this game." The Nerd looks at the cartridge) Kill me.
(And, as the 2006 Nerd said, Jason did, in fact, kill the Nerd, altering the timeline in a process)
(Cuts back to the Present Nerd, getting confused about his past self getting killed)
The Nerd: But... you're alive.
2006 Nerd: No, I'm dead. Trust me, I'm in hell.
(Jason nods in agreement)
The Nerd: It... doesn't look like hell, it looks normal, like you're just playin' the game!
2006 Nerd: Exactly, I'm playin' the game! It's hell! Same thing.
The Nerd: (Stutters) N-now wait. You're in the past, you're in another dimension, and you're in hell too?!
2006 Nerd: Yeah, but it's the hell of this dimension.
The Nerd: (Gets more confused) Whoa, whoa, whoa.
2006 Nerd: Once you get into sub-dimensions and shit, it gets complicated. But look, there's no time to explain all that right now, because if we end up talking too long, the two dimensions might end up swapping, and we don't want that to happen, so, it's best you hit "Reset".
The Nerd: Okay.
2006 Nerd: Yeah, so just go back to... that game, whatever it is.
The Nerd: "Berenstain Bears".
2006 Nerd: Oh, you mean "BerenSTEIN Bears".
The Nerd: No, apparently, it's "BerenSTAIN".
2006 Nerd: Well, "BerenSTAIN" is how I always remembered it, but in my dimension, it's actually spelled "BerenSTEIN".
(The Nerd gets even more confused, and apparently, so does Jason, for no reason)
2006 Nerd: Anyway, bye now.
(Both Nerds hit reset to close the portal between two dimensions, and the Present Nerd is now more confused than ever)
The Nerd: No... that's impossible. That didn't happen.
(The Nerd gets up from the couch and goes to search for the answers about that spelling problem online, and he witnesses many theories and arguments between "Berenstain" and "Berenstein")
The Nerd: "Berenstain Bears Conspiracy Theory"... It's on the Internet! That means it must be real! (The Nerd takes a look at more theories and arguments) "The Mandela Effect". False memories are proof of a parallel universe. Some people think it had to do with "time travelers settin' off the butterfly effect", but no matter what the theory, everybody remembers "Berenstein"! I'm not alone! Faulty memory is one thing, but how could so many people be wrong?! I know it was Berenstein! I saw what I saw! And the only way to prove it, is with my own childhood books.
(The Nerd leaves the house and heads towards his previous home in search of his childhood books)
The Nerd: (thinking to himself) I haven't been back to my old childhood home in decades... but I'm sure those books are still in the attic.
(The Nerd arrives at his old childhood home, now in ruins for a decade, and he enters the attic in search of the books. He opens a box in which he finds them, with the controversial letters on one of the covers being hidden under another book. He moves the other book from the top only to find the series is actually called "The Berenstain Bears".)
The Nerd: No... it can't be! (The Nerd looks horrified when he looks at all of his childhood books, all of which use the spelling "Berenstain" and not "Berenstein") No! (Gasps) These are the same books! I remember the torn page! The mustard mark! The shit stain! These are my old books! But it was spelled "STEIN"! (Yells) IT WAS SPELLED "BERENSTEIN"! (The Nerd collapses to the floor with all of his books, crying about how wrong he was with said spelling) It was spelled "BerenSTEIN"... It was spelled "BerenSTEIN"! (The Nerd slowly gets up, sighs, gasps and exclaims in alarm when he sees another Nerd pop out of nowhere)
Other Nerd: You shouldn't have come here. Get away, now!
The Nerd: I was just tryin' to prove the Berenstein Bears were spelled...
Other Nerd: With an "E". I know.
The Nerd: So it's true.
Other Nerd: It's true in your native universe.
The Nerd: What?
Other Nerd: Go. There's no time to explain!
The Nerd: Gimme the quick version! I need answers! Then I'll go.
Other Nerd: (Sighs) There exist many universes with infinite little minor differences. The universe you come from, it was spelled "Stein". At some point, between your childhood and now, you and a lot of other people unknowingly crossed over to this universe where it is spelled "Stain". That's only one example of many other things that people blame on bad memory.
The Nerd: Hmm. So these aren't my childhood books.
Other Nerd: They are, but they're your childhood books from this universe. The ones you remember are still in the other universe.
The Nerd: So I can't get to them?
Other Nerd: No. These undetected inter-dimensional crossovers happen all the time. Nobody can truly go back to their childhoods. It's all different now. Like [Teenage Mutant] Ninja Turtles on NES. Admit it, you liked that game as a kid. It wasn't 'til you grew up, you changed your mind and thought it was shit. Did ya ever think? Maybe it WAS good. You didn't change. The game changed... to shit.
The Nerd: ...My God!
Other Nerd: Like where I come from, Double Dragon 1 and 2 sucked. 3 was the good one.
The Nerd: No way.
Other Nerd: Yeah, only thing it had that weird typo. Billy and Jimmy? How'd they make a mistake like this?! Billy isn't even a real name! We all know it's Bimmy and Jimmy!
The Nerd: No fuckin' way! How 'bout those bears? Are you from the Stein or Stain universe?
Other Nerd: Neither. Now I've told you everything. You need to go.
The Nerd: One last thing. Why are you here?
Other Nerd: I'm one of the rare individuals to find a way to hop between dimensions to find the universe I came from. I wanted to go back, but it's all in vain! When two of the same person are in the same universe creates a paradox. The only way to restore balance... one of them has to die. I killed you. (Jason kills the Nerd. As he groans and dies, Jason takes off the mask and reveals the Nerd himself.)
The Nerd: Holy shit.
Other Nerd: And I killed you again. And again. And again! But I'm done running. I'm here to be sacrificed.
The Nerd: Sacrificed? By who?
Other Nerd: The ones who will restore balance if I don't myself! They're comin' for me! Get outta here! (Shouting) SAVE YOURSELF! (The Bloodstain Bears appear as the Nerds exclaim in shock) In my universe, it's not BerenSTEIN or BerenSTAIN! (Camera zooms in and the Other Nerd looks at it) It's Bloodstain.
(The Bloodstain Bears attack the Other Nerd as he screams, then the Nerd runs away)
Other Nerd: (Yells) THESE ARE THE REAL BAD NEWS BEARS!
(Other Nerd spits out blood as he screams and dies, leaving blood all over the "Berenstain Bears" books. The Nerd runs back home as the scene cuts to a book covered in blood with the letter A. The episode ends.)
Trivia[]
- When the video was first released, the YouTube title, and even the video thumbnail, would frequently change between Berenstein Bears and Berenstain Bears. Bloodstain Bears also appeared briefly as the title. As of right now, the YouTube release labels the episode as Berenstain, while the thumbnail and the Cinemassacre.com release label it as Berenstein.
- The theme from The Berenstain Bears (2003 TV series) (specifically the "Somewhere deep in Bear Country" part) is heard twice in the episode. The first is when the Nerd is surprised about the surname of the authors, and the second is when he's in the attic in his old house, looking for his childhood books.